I took one big step and I looked away

I frequently have difficulty with depth or introspection/reflection. I’m not sure why, but I think it’s related to a general avoidance mentality. I don’t like conflict or awkwardness, and I tend to delay dealing with things. I’m not thrilled that this is the case in my life. I should deal with this and make a change, but I’m avoiding it. 🙂

Anyway, I have an ex-girlfriend that is still in my life. It sucks. The relationship I had with her was way beyond what I was ready for, was looking for. She was the driver and I was entirely caught up in circumstances over which I had no control. Yeah, I was out of control. Ultimately, the only way I could regain some semblance of control over my life was to break up with her. I didn’t want to, but there was no space for me to process things. And she was so inflexible when it came to meeting me halfway on anything. I could go on and on and on about the difficulties I had (and still have) with that relationship. I may and will probably do so as I continue to blog. But today I will say that I still feel really broken as a result of being with her. I question if I’ll ever be right for a relationship.

A friend of mine has a daughter that is getting baptized this weekend. I had been planning on going until I realized that my ex-girlfriend would be there too. I told my friend that I wouldn’t be attending and that it was because I didn’t want to be in the same place as my ex. But really, it’s not about being at the same event. I still work in the same office as my ex, so being around her isn’t really the issue. The real problem I have is that all of the friends that she had prior to knowing me want nothing to do with me now that we’re not together, whereas my friends have remained friends with her. Maybe I really was the bad guy and I deserve being shunned. Maybe she has chosen friends that are more loyal than the ones I have chosen. Maybe she’s just more likeable than me. Whatever the reason, I admit to you, faithful readers, that it hurts sometimes. So I won’t be attending the baptism because I don’t want to be reminded of that pain.

All good things…

(Not just a Star Trek episode.)

And so comes to an end a very laid back weekend. Didn’t do much, but that was just about right. Today I went to the church to assist with a Memorial Mass for a man who died last week. I enjoy assisting at Mass, but it would have been just fine if I hadn’t had to leave the house today. As it was, I also stopped at the ATM for some cash, got gas, and bought a few groceries. Efficiency!

Got Haelindir up to 41. Did it mostly by skirmishing with Colred. That went well. But I’m a bit bored with the hunter. There’s not enough going on to make it interesting. We shall see if I can stand to press on.

I’m really short of money this month. 🙁 So I’m abandoning my effort to see a movie every week of the year. I may try to make up the time in July, but I kinda doubt it. The Modesto AmBadAssAdors never really materialized. Tant pis.

Sunday is a normal training day but I took this one off after the race. I wanted to make it up today, but I never got around to it. So tomorrow it is. I will begin transitioning to 10K training. But rather than start on week 1, I’ll begin with week 8. I am of two minds with the running. I am thrilled that I am doing it, and I look forward to it between sessions. But when I’m actually running, I don’t much like it. I sure hope that changes!!

I think I’m going to be trying something different. I’m going to try to get up a little earlier in the morning. Instead of 7:15ish, I’m going to try for 6:30. I’m sure I will hate it. And that means I have to go to bed. Good night.

One more race shot

Here’s a shot of me coming up on the finish line in yesterday’s race.

I’m just glad I safety pinned my shirt to my shorts or else you’d be seeing way too much belly.

Modesto Classic

Ran my 5K today. My goals were to run the entire race without stopping to walk and come in with a time of no more than 35 minutes. Mission accomplished on both fronts. There were many, many times that I wanted to stop running and just walk for a bit. I was bargaining with myself constantly! But in the end, I ran the whole race. My time was 33:46.1. I’d like to do the next one in under 30 minutes.

It was nice that there were several of us MJC types out there. Me, Vee, Tonya, Donna, Rita, Erik, and Laura.
Good job to all of us!!

Here are a couple of photos.

Me and Vee before the race.
Modesto Classic 5K 004

Me and Tonya.
Modesto Classic 5K 002

My race results.
Modesto Classic 5K 005

Friday is the old Friday

I frequently wonder how in the heck I get myself so busy. On the surface, I really dislike being overbooked. But I wonder if deep down I don’t really enjoy it. I mean, I get to that place all the time!

This morning I went down to the church to serve as a sacristan for a Memorial Mass. I don’t do this very often so when I do come up on the rotation, I’m usually unsure of what I’m supposed to be doing.

I had lunch at Papachinos downtown. I made a point of having some pasta with chicken, a highly recommended day-before-a-race meal. And it was really, really good too! I’m going to have to go there more often.

This afternoon, I had a meeting with other members of the Pastoral Council to continue working on the strategic plan. This was a three hour meeting. It feels like it’s going rather slowly to me, but I really think we’re making progress.

I went and picked up my race bag from Doctor’s Medical Center. They had the wrong shirt size for me so I hope I fit into the one I got.

After that, I went and hung out at Minnies for a couple hours before the hafla. Boring. I stuck around for about an hour once the dancing started and took some photos.

Now to settle in for a good night’s sleep.

Thursday is the new Friday

Today seemed very long. It wasn’t busy at work, but it wasn’t as slow as it’s been other days this week either.

I’m a little OCD I think. Here’s one manifestation: whenever I eat M&Ms, skittles, or any bite size snack food, I have to eat them in pairs, one for each side of my mouth. Well, I don’t HAVE to. But I definitely make every effort to satisfy that need.

I watched again the episode of the Office where Michael leaves. What a tear jerker. Very good acting/directing/writing to pull at my emotions the way it did.

Went for a run after work. I think I pushed myself too hard. I wasn’t able to go as long as yesterday and my ankle started hurting a bit. Tomorrow is a rest day so I hope that I’ll be good to go on Saturday.

I attended a dialogue session at the church tonight on the topic of immigration. It’s a complex issue that I struggle with sometimes. The video we were shown felt so heavy-handed. I wish people wouldn’t do that. It’s really unneccessary.

A run for the roses

Aaaannnnnnddddd the scale once again is hovering at 245. Whatever.

I was sort of depressed today. Mostly over financial matters. But that’s always a gateway worry. It segues into relationships, life status, health (my dad’s, not so much mine), and whatever else can worm its way in. C’est la vie. I really do wonder how I’m going to make ends meet for the next few months.

The 5K is Saturday so there’s not much training time left. I wanted to see if I could do the 3.1 miles in 28 minutes this evening, but I screwed up. With about 12 minutes left on my time, I accidentally jumped back to the warm-up phase. I moved it back to the run phase, but my time was lost. So I started over. That did free me to just keep going past the predetermined 28 minutes though. All in all, I ran just over 3.5 miles in about 35 minutes. Yippy! So I’ll do a light run tomorrow night and rest on Friday. I should be all set to go come Saturday morning. Then on to my 10K training. Starbuck, check your rear-view. I’m coming!

Anything to hang my hat on

I was starting to think I was being punk’d. For the past year or more, my scale has disclosed to me that I weigh 245 lbs +/- 2 lbs. No matter what I do with my food consumption or level of physical activity, my mass has been remarkably consistent. In fact, a few years ago, I discontinued drinking as much as 32-48 ounces of sugared soda on a daily basis AND took my first PE class in 20 years. I followed that up with joining a gym, working with a personal trainer for a month, and closely monitoring what I ate. As a result of all of these changes, can you guess how much weight I lost? Zero. How very motivating!

So now I’ve been walking/jogging for about two months and trying to do most of my cooking at home. Based on the sum of all previous experiences, I didn’t expect much. So imagine my surprise when yesterday the scale told me that I was coming in at 240 lbs. Yeah, I was suspicious. A fluke I thought! But this morning it read the same. It’s only a couple of pounds, but anything is a welcome development.

Actually, even before this latest sign, I have been imagining thinking that my pants were fitting a little more loosely. And I am in need of a new (smaller) belt. So it’s only a matter of time before I’ll need to buy new clothes. Or…. seeing as how I never throw anything out, I probably still have clothes from 15-20 years ago that I will soon fit into! Good thing 80s fashion will never go out of style!

There ain’t no cure for the summertime blues.

Today was an incredibly boring and unproductive day at work. Summers are always slow, but this was ridiculous.

This evening, I played Aluatis for a while, but my Monday night group couldn’t really get things together so grouping didn’t actually happen. Alas. We intend to try again on Thursday.

I listed to and sang through several Mass settings that we will choose from for Advent and beyond. I liked the Mass of Renewal by Curtis Stephan the best. I think Jody is amenable to that setting.

I don’t think I’ve mentioned it before, but I am sort of learning Italian. I love languages and I miss studying them.

Sunday potpourri

I started the day by playing/singing for Mass. Despite my lacerated index finger, I think I did a tollerable job. But here’s the problem, in 3 weeks, the Mass schedule changes and the 10 AM Mass will be in the Maze church. We still don’t really have a plan for what will happen with music when the schedule changes. I suspect that Mike will not last long and if/when he goes, Chris will follow. Cynthia has turned out to be pretty much worthless, so maybe I’m all there is. *Sigh*

Played several more hours of LOTRO this afternoon. Haelindir again. I got him up to 38, so mission accomplished. Back to Aluatis tomorrow night. All of the enhanced xp is used up for Haelindir, so I probably won’t play him again until next weekend.

Our tri-tip fundraiser did turn a profit, but I’d guess that it will all turn out to not have been worth the effort.

Did week 7, day 3 of my 5K training this evening. I’m pretty sure I upped my speed. That’s great! I have two more training sessions before I actually run a 5K (next Saturday).

I’m very much not looking forward to going to work tomorrow. I’m rather discontent. I’d like so much for things to be different but I am ruled by inertia. I keep looking for that combination of things that will lead to change. The search continues.

Oh, and it seems I’m an inconsiderate jerk.

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