I took one big step and I looked away

I frequently have difficulty with depth or introspection/reflection. I’m not sure why, but I think it’s related to a general avoidance mentality. I don’t like conflict or awkwardness, and I tend to delay dealing with things. I’m not thrilled that this is the case in my life. I should deal with this and make a change, but I’m avoiding it. 🙂

Anyway, I have an ex-girlfriend that is still in my life. It sucks. The relationship I had with her was way beyond what I was ready for, was looking for. She was the driver and I was entirely caught up in circumstances over which I had no control. Yeah, I was out of control. Ultimately, the only way I could regain some semblance of control over my life was to break up with her. I didn’t want to, but there was no space for me to process things. And she was so inflexible when it came to meeting me halfway on anything. I could go on and on and on about the difficulties I had (and still have) with that relationship. I may and will probably do so as I continue to blog. But today I will say that I still feel really broken as a result of being with her. I question if I’ll ever be right for a relationship.

A friend of mine has a daughter that is getting baptized this weekend. I had been planning on going until I realized that my ex-girlfriend would be there too. I told my friend that I wouldn’t be attending and that it was because I didn’t want to be in the same place as my ex. But really, it’s not about being at the same event. I still work in the same office as my ex, so being around her isn’t really the issue. The real problem I have is that all of the friends that she had prior to knowing me want nothing to do with me now that we’re not together, whereas my friends have remained friends with her. Maybe I really was the bad guy and I deserve being shunned. Maybe she has chosen friends that are more loyal than the ones I have chosen. Maybe she’s just more likeable than me. Whatever the reason, I admit to you, faithful readers, that it hurts sometimes. So I won’t be attending the baptism because I don’t want to be reminded of that pain.


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