In like a lion
Friday after work I went and got my headlight replaced. I’m not sure why it should be, but any car repair feels great. Weird, right? I then went to Level 1 practice to work on skating. I got to work with Misch the whole time and I thought it went quite well. She really provided the right mix of encouragement, pushing, distraction, patience, knowledge, and advice. I feel very good about how that session went. After practice, a few of us went out to Venti’s for a drink and a bite to eat. A good time.
Saturday, I got up earlier than I’d have liked to go pick up Tom and drive to Medford. We were only about 15 minutes late getting on the road and it didn’t throw off the trip at all. We stopped in Roseburg for lunch at McMenamins. I had a delicious stew and checked another location off my list. Proceeding on to Medford, we arrived at the derby bout location shortly before 2:00. Did a brief check in and then went to meet up with my friend, Denise, whom I had not seen in 25 years. Our visit was nice.
Sidebar. This trip to Medford had been in the works for over a month. The plan went through several changes along the way; most of them without my input. Now you know that I am a planner and that I’m very uncomfortable with leaving things ‘til the last minute, but I am trying to loosen up and go with the flow. One iteration of the plan was to book rooms at the same hotel where the after party would be. I was fine with this idea, but one of the few people who’d be staying over (there were only going to be four of us from Salem staying at a hotel) wasn’t especially keen on the idea and wanted to wait until getting down there to find a hotel. I went with it and just put it in her hands to select a place where she and her friend, and Tom and I would get rooms. When all was said and done, we ended up getting rooms at that hotel anyway. Why we couldn’t have made reservations the week (or more) before, I don’t know. But there were rooms available so it all worked out. Amusingly, after we’d gotten those rooms, the after party was moved to a different location, so we needn’t have stayed there after all. C’est la vie.
The bout was interesting although rather disorganized on the officiating front. NSO positions hadn’t really been assigned, there wasn’t a full compliment of skating officials, the scoreboard had some problems, lots of time outs for discussion among officials… Ultimately, we got it done.
Proceed to the after party. It was a little dive bar that was already packed. Karaoke was the name of the game and the derby folks jumped into the mix.
Here’s where it all turned sour. Part of my neurosis is a heightened sensitivity to my place in a group. I often feel like I don’t fit in, that I don’t receive the right kind/amount of attention. I often feel very isolated. I don’t know if it better to acknowledge this by avoiding group situations or by throwing myself into the middle of them. Anyway, in a big group, I prefer to link up with one or two others rather than be adrift amidst the crowd. I’m all about the buddy system. I suppose this can accurately be characterized as clingy. Anyway, I had no ‘buddy’ on Saturday, but this wasn’t debilitating. But then, at one point, Tom comes and informs me that he, Angie, and Heather have decided to walk back to the hotel at the end of the night as they’d all had too much to drink. Further, I’m told that they’ve decided to go with a couple of the host league members to a different bar up the road. Perhaps I should be glad that they thought to inform me, but I was just annoyed that more plans had been made/adjusted without regard to my thoughts/wants.
Sunday morning, I get up early-ish again as I have to be back in Salem by 12:30. Tom gets up but tells me that he’ll be riding back home with the girls. Ok. #1, this is fine because I actually prefer long drives by myself. #2, yet another plan that changed on me. In the planning for this trip, Angie had made it clear to me that she didn’t want to room with a bunch of people and that she didn’t want to travel with people. It would have been better if Tom could have come down with them too, but Angie wanted to do her own thing. Now, it turns out that he’s riding home with them. Fricking fantastic. To top it all off, it turns out I left my jacket hanging in the closet of the hotel. Tom did grab it and bring it back, so that’s good.
I made it home in great time. I got to stop of my apartment to grab my skate gear before going off to meet my gaming people for the afternoon. Decent session of Cthulhu, then back to the Mad House for men’s practice. Men’s practice sort of sucked. I am so much less skilled than anyone else so I can’t participate in what they are doing and I’m just a loner again. I spent time on wheels for 45 minutes and then called it quits for the evening. There was a CCDG orientation session going on with a bunch of new girls there to (possibly) sign up to begin level 1. I was actually assigned as a mentor for a woman who wants to explore volunteering and working as an NSO. It’s apparently the first time there’s ever been an NSO mentor. That’s kind of interesting. I stopped at the supermarket to buy a selection of soups for the week before returning home. A little TV, then to bed.
I didn’t sleep especially well. And I’m not feeling great today. It’s too warm what with the sun shining into my office and all. Plus I’m coughing a little. Not a major deal, yet. But I suspect that it’s a precursor to a more severe illness. My calves hurt (which is a good thing) and I’m just feeling generally uncomfortable. Also, I’m getting fat again. Ankle be damned, I need to start running again. Maybe tonight. But I need to fit in running around seeing a movie and working on an episode of The Forum this evening. Having a job keeps me too damn busy.
Presidents’ Day Weekend
Pretty good weekend. I had to jet up to Portland on Friday afternoon to see an Oscar nominated movie, No, at the Portland International Film Festival. A derby girl friend asked if I could transport her daughter to Pioneer Square to catch a TriMet train. I contrived to get off work 30 minutes early as I felt that I needed extra time to allow for traffic, but between the extra stops for my passenger and an accident on the road, I ended up being a few minutes late for the movie; they had already resold my seat. Nevertheless, I saw all but the first few minutes of my movie. It was good.
Returning to Salem, I drove straight to a bowling alley to meet up with some derby peeps. There were seven of them there when I arrived and they were mostly through their first game. It was good to socialize with these folks, but I found that bowling alley very off-putting. It was quite expensive and the employees were rather snotty. I will not go there again. I give AMF Firebird Lanes a thumbs-down.
Saturday I attended a roller derby boot camp put on by the CCDG travel team, 8 Wheel Assassins. It was a beginner group, but I was far and away the only true beginner there. Also the only guy. 🙂 The other students were much steadier on their wheels than me, and I’m sure got a lot more out of the session. I do think I learned some things, and I look forward to practicing those skills and getting better. I’m signed up for the next two sessions (in March and April) but I am embarrassed and frustrated at my lack of coordination and feel guilty that so much individual attention needed to be given to me. Not that the other students were short-changed, but I am super uncomfortable being the center of attention and even more so when it’s while doing something I’m not good at. Really, I’m just embarrassed.
After boot camp, I met with the other folks from the production team for The Forum on KMUZ. I’d call it a fruitful meeting.
Saturday evening was a bout and it was the first time I wasn’t an NSO for a bout at the Mad House since I started with derby. I did have a job; I was assisting Hitman with the event coordinator duties. One sour note, a friend had asked for a ticket on Thursday and I’d purchased one for her. She’d made the request for the ticket on facebook and within 10 minutes I confirmed that I would acquire one for her. I said that I’d leave it at will-call unless she wanted to make other arrangements. Anyway, during halftime on Saturday night, I go and check to see if she’s picked up her ticket. She had not. Turns out that after asking me for a ticket, she didn’t check back to see if I’d done as she requested and just went ahead and bought one for herself. WTF?? It’s not that I mind spending the money, but I went out of my way for her and in return I get treated like something she needs to scrape of the sole of her shoe. Plus, it means that someone who wanted to attend the bout didn’t get to because the event was sold out. Not cool.
Post-bout, I went to the afterparty, which was pretty anemic. Oh well, I got to chat with a few of the Kittens.
Sunday I got up early in the morning to attend the 8:30 Mass. I was scheduled to sing at 11 AM, and going to the earlier Mass allowed me to learn the songs. 🙂 I got home from church by 1:00 and after a little TV, took a nap. That was nice. That evening, back to Portland for another Oscar nominee, Kon-Tiki. This time I was plenty early and got a good seat. Had a nice chat with fellow attendees too, including one woman who shared my disdain for Beasts of the Southern Wild. Kon-Tiki was an EXCELLENT movie! It’s my pick for Best Foreign Film. Didn’t get home until 11:00 that night.
Monday was a holiday and I took advantage of the day off by sleeping in a little. In the late morning I went shopping and bought a couple of shirts and pairs of pants. (I’m getting fat again. 🙁 ) I then saw the last of the foreign films for this years Academy Awards, Amour. The movie was good, and Emmanuelle Riva was great, but the best movie of the year it was not. I was feeling a little tired so I opted not to see a second film, Warm Bodies. I’ll shoot for next Saturday. I finished off my weekend with more tv. (I’ve really been falling behind.)
Lunchtime Ponderings #1
First in an occasional series of things I think about during lunch.
Today’s lunch involved a walk over to Safeway to buy some vitamins and a sandwich. The sandwich was good enough, but it took just about forever to get through the line to order it. I probably won’t be heading to Safeway for lunch too often.
Anyway, during the stroll I thought about the virtues of friendship and loyalty. I can hardly claim to be a completely virtuous man; I have SO many faults. But I have always felt that I do a very good job in the loyalty department. And not too long ago, I had someone else tell me that this was the trait she thinks of when she thinks of me. I guess I take this quality for granted and am shocked and surprised when it is missing in others. The perplexing question for me is why do I sometimes choose to befriend people who do not seem to value or manifest loyalty. When I am hurt by the actions or inactions of my friends, I tend to accept that I bear the responsibility for how I feel. I did choose these people after all. Oh sure, the first instance may come out of the blue, but as the old Russian saying goes, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”
So here’s the question, why do keep placing myself in the position to be so disappointed by some people. Is the lack of loyalty an example of being good to each other? I think not.
So, last disclaimer(s). I’m not really looking for anyone to answer/respond. I’m sure we are all searching for meaning in this life and this is just me giving voice to something with which I am wrestling. Also, I have many, many areas in which I am deficient. We could talk about any number of those and I wouldn’t be on such a high horse about them. Today, I was thinking about loyalty, an area in which I tend to score highly. Tomorrow may well be about perseverance or discipline or motivation, all areas in which I suck tremendously. I’m not making myself out to be some sort of noble higher being. Finally, I am not, by any means, painting everyone I know with the same brush. I have many, many people in my life who are tremendously loyal. There are just a few who have really fallen short. And I’m sure I fall short in some areas for them.
Mid-week hike
Went to Silver Falls yesterday for a make-up/second chance hike. Actually, here’s what happened. A woman in the meetup group was supposed to go with the group to Silver Falls on Saturday. She asked for a ride, and the guy who agreed to pick her up was quite late. So when the two of them got to the State Park, the group was already out on the trail. She called me that afternoon sounding pretty upset at the whole situation. I felt bad for her, but what could I do about it? I suggested that, as she doesn’t work during the week, we could take a trip to the falls on Wednesday. She seemed to think that was a swell idea, so I began arranging a group to go to the falls during the week. At one point, I had 4 people planning to come with me for the hike.
Well, in the end, the aforementioned girl ended up not wanting/being able to come (why did I go to all this trouble anyway??) and another friend dropped out. Three of us ended up driving to the park but one woman anticipated that she wouldn’t be feeling too well and didn’t plan on staying long. That left 2 of us to make the hike.
Our plan/goal: hike the Trail of Ten Falls. As the two of us remaining had already seen the South Falls, we decided to walk the loop in an anti-clockwise direction. We passed by Winter Falls and arrived at North Falls (at 3 on the map below) with no problem. But thereafter, we ended up going completely in the wrong direction.
We didn’t notice any trail other than one marked Perimeter Trail, so that’s the one we took. Rather than loop us back around to the north and west, we traveled south and east (as can be seen in the map).
So, we didn’t get to see many waterfalls, but it was a pleasant hike. A touch warm for my taste, but mostly under canopy.
This just means we’ll have to give it another try.
Vindication and apology due
This story is years late in the telling.
Throughout my 20s, I had in my circle(s) of friends, numerous supporters/advocates of the LIFE TEEN program.
I was not one of these supporters.
LIFE TEEN was (is?) a youth program centered around the celebration of the Mass. Typically, a parish would identify one weekend Mass, usually Sunday night, as a LIFE TEEN or ‘youth’ Mass which would be followed by the LIFE Night (youth group meeting). At the Mass, the homily, music, and pretty much everything else was prepared with an eye towards appealing to and connecting with teenagers. So, for example, the music was often led by a band and the songs that were selected would, as many times as not, come from hits on Contemporary Christian Radio. Teens would fill all the ministerial roles (except presider), regardless of their ability to do well at that role. During the Eucharistic Prayer, teens (and only teens) would be invited to come up around the altar, presumably to help them feel closer to Christ. Because as we all know, proximity equals depth of spiritual and emotional connection. At the end of Mass, LIFE TEEN replaced the dismissal text, “The Mass is ended, go in Peace.” with “The Mass never ends, it must be lived.” Frequently, hand gestures were proscribed to accompany some of the ritual music or other moments in the Mass. And there were, perhaps, many other local flavors to the way a LIFE TEEN Mass was done.
Well, I alone among my friends did not approve of all these things that were being done, starting with the very concept of a ‘youth’ Mass. I believe that all Masses are for all people. To single out a group and make a Mass (especially a weekly Mass) focus on or dedicated to that group denies the universality of Mass. Supporters of these things will say that separate but equal is sufficient; as long as everybody has a Mass that they can go to, we can carve out one for that most vulnerable of groups, teens. I have also heard, many times, that this or that parish has several Masses for adults, what’s wrong with having just this one for teens? My position, of course, is that those other Masses aren’t just for adults, they’re for everybody.
Although I didn’t have a particular objection to people going up into the sanctuary for the Eucharistic Prayer, I felt it was wrong to only invite some of the people who’d gathered for Mass. Because, you see, most of the people in attendance were not teens but adults, the parents and supporters of teens. Ignoring the majority of the gathered faithful was a recurring theme at LIFE TEEN Masses. I remember attending the very first LIFE TEEN Mass at St. Anthony’s in Manteca, CA. The presider had what must have seemed like a clever way of resetting the room for Communion. Following the Eucharistic Prayer, to clear the sanctuary, the priest invited the assembled teens to exchange with one another a sign of peace, and then to go back out to the pews to exchange a sign of peace with everyone else. I and the rest of the adults there for Mass weren’t invited to exchange a sign of peace; we were an afterthought, a prop to get the teens back away from the altar.
Anyway, my friends had no issues with any of this. As long as we were doing everything we could think of to coddle and cater to the little darlings (teens), we could do no wrong. No such thing as abuse in service to the greater good. We would often argue about the legitimacy of the practices of LIFE TEEN. I was always alone on my side of the issue whereas supporters of LIFE TEEN would close ranks against me.
Then, in 2004, LIFE TEEN, the formal organization, was called to task by bishops and other officials in the Church. They were to stop calling teens up around the altar and saying, “The Mass never ends…” at the end of Mass. So we have at least a partial correction, one which eliminates the most visible of the abuses.
I think these friends of mine owe me an apology.
I don’t even know if LIFE TEEN is really around any more or if it retains any of the cachet that it seemed to have 15 years ago. The lasting effect for me is that I feel like my friendships really suffered. I was never part of the “in” crowd. I was aware that my friends often gathered to celebrate and share their faith, but I was seldom invited. I suppose I needed different friends. As a result of moving (and possibly something that led to me moving), I am not friends with any of these people any more. I wish things could have been different because many of them are great people.
As is typical for me, the impetus to write this up and post it has evaporated as a result of writing it. Cathartic I suppose. Nevertheless, I’ll post it as a record and reminder of what I was feeling and thinking.
A song that we used to sing that helped me get through some of the times of strained relationships is Press On (written by Bob Filoramo).
For the man who follows Jesus all the days of his life, picks up his cross and walks with his God, a glorious inheritance awaits him at the end where he will see and know his true Father, and the pearl of great price is in his hand.
(Refrain)
So as for me I will press on in running the race with my eyes fixed on Jesus who inspires and perfects my faith, I will fight the good fight with all my heart and soul ‘til the day that I’m with Jesus, the day I’m finally home, the day that I have won the crown.He will approach the throne of his Father with Jesus at his side, the Father will rise and say, “Welcome home! You’re a good and faithful servant, come in and take your reward. The battle’s done come, and take your rest. Stay with me for evermore”.
(Refrain)
And the heavens will resound with a thunder of praise, the Angels and the Saints will shout for joy. And the Father will dance for his son has come home. Another warrior returns from the fight. Another victory for the Lamb of God.
(Refrain)
On (Violent Femme’s brass section)
Every once in a while, I am seized by a desire to apologize/make amends/set things right for stuff that happened once upon a time. But would doing so really just be a selfish act?
Twenty years ago, I lacked the courage of my convictions and was not the friend I should have been. This led to an estrangement that lasted the better part of the past two decades. We have reconnected a little, but I still wish I could undo what was done. Short of that, I wish I could truly make my friend know how much I regret my failings.
So, if I say something, I MIGHT feel better, but would that be likely to just reopen old wounds? Is it best to let sleeping dogs lie?
Running route (for all my stalkers)
Here’s a visual on the route I run every day. The runs are of different durations, but this is fairly representative.
Drama Around Oregon
I’m a member of several Meetup groups. These groups have been very helpful in my first few months here in that they’ve greatly facilitated the meeting of new people. I’ve gone on numerous hikes, some dinner outings, several coffee meetups, dancing, photography, book clubs… I’ve met some great people. But there has also been drama.
One group I’m in is based out of the college town 30 minutes south of where I live. It was initially set up as a summer outdoor activity group. Let me bore you with some history.
The group came to be in May. The organizer (whom I’ve never met) scheduled a few meetups to discuss what kinds of things the group ought to be doing. It seems like this founder only paid for a month’s worth of service to the Meetup.com website and then elected not to renew at the end of that month. At the beginning of July, one gentleman in the group, let’s call him Ecurb, was thinking about stepping up (and paying the subscription fee) to become the new organizer, but he decided to sleep on it. By the next morning, another member, Abby, had already paid the fee and become the group’s leader/organizer. Ecurb contacted Abby and let her know that he’d been considering the role and offered his help. Abby made Ecurb a co-organizer.
A couple of activities were planned for July and August, and I joined the group for a hike in September. This hike was only the fourth activity for the group since its reboot. Starting in October, the group got much more active, at least in terms of how often meetups were scheduled. Ecurb was doing most of the scheduling, but Abby had organized a bike ride for Oct. 9. I was attending all the meetups and Ecurb asked if I’d be interested in being a co-organizer too. Sure, I said. Make it happen. Abby didn’t make it to the bike ride she’d scheduled, but did alert us ahead of time.
By the end of October, it had been nearly two months since I’d seen or heard from Abby. I did hear that life had gotten pretty busy for her, and that’s fine. What I did want was a bit of discussion amongst the organizers as to what the group would be doing as we moved forward. Anyway, towards the end of October, Abby did schedule two or three more meetups so we knew she was alive.
*Side note #1*
Following a hike at the end of October, 8 of us went to lunch at a local Mexican restaurant. They were apparently short-handed that day and the service reflected that. I am always very chill when in that kind of situation. First of all, I understand that for the most part, they are doing the best they can. Certainly my getting upset won’t help the situation. Second, if I feel that this is what I can typically expect from the place, I just won’t go there again. I realize not everyone reacts the same way. Ecurb in particular was quite vocal about his displeasure with the service. I was really uncomfortable with how he dealt with the situation. Despite the fact that we’d been going out to eat after every hike for the past two months, I decided that I would not be eating out with Ecurb again.
*Side note #2*
Ecurb is quite a bit more eco/hippy than me. Nothing wrong with that, just different. Whereas I react to the fact that the seasons are changing and the weather is likely to be MUCH more rainy for the next several months by looking to plan indoor activities for the group, Ecurb feels that getting drenched is just part of Oregon living and we should embrace it. He even responds to a discussion about what to do during the winter by scheduling a hike and calling it, “The question asks, ‘What should we do?’. I reply, ‘Enjoy planet Earth'” instead of “McDonald Forest Hike”. Not at all descriptive of the hike itself. But whatever, that’s just Ecurb being Ecurb. Not a huge deal.
*Back to our original story*
So a week ago, I get a message from Meetup that Abby has stepped down as organizer and someone else needs to pay for more subscription time or the group will be closed. (Ecurb did end up paying for more time and thus became the organizer.) I emailed Abby to ask what was up and she replied that she’d received a nasty-ish email from Ecurb chastising her for not living up to his idea of leadership. Her response was along the lines of, “If he wants to be in charge, fine, he can be in charge.” A day later she quit the group entirely. While I think that her rage quitting was an overreaction, I blame Ecurb for stirring up all this mess for no reason and for no gain. There was NOTHING that he or I couldn’t do as co-organizers that he can now do as the primary organizer. He’s emailed me a couple of times since this incident to criticize Abby and to explain some of his thoughts on leadership. But I’ll say it again, we’ve gained not a single thing as a result of stirring up this shiz, and not only have we lost Abby as a member, but one of her friends has departed as well. There may be more to come. Gaahhh! So idiotic to have initiated this drama. Well done, Ecurb.
*Some closing notes*
- I haven’t really gone into this much detail about how I feel about the situation with Ecurb. You may ask why not. Well, two reasons. One, much like my attitude about poor customer service, I’m not one to inflict my opinions on others as to how I feel about their behavior. People can do whatever they want, and I can react however I want. My reaction is to distance myself from those people. Second, I haven’t seen Ecurb in person since this all ‘sploded.
- It’s entirely possible that he will be reading this post. I’ve changed the names to protect the innocent and the guilty, but anyone halfway aware of the people involved will recognize the players with no difficulty.
- I’m at least 50% tempted to drop this group myself. I don’t need the drama. But before I go that far, I’ll try some distance for a while. Who knows, my lack of 100% participation may motivate Ecurb to send me a nasty email complaining about my leadership.
Looking for work, a home, & money
So I’ve been job hunting. I currently have about a dozen applications out for State and local college jobs. The whole experience is highly demoralizing. Everyone keeps telling me that a job will come, and no doubt it will, but this interim time sucks.
I can only stay here at my aunt’s place for a total of three months. That period comes to an end a month from now. I have been looking for a place to live here in Salem. I had hoped to have a job before deciding where to live but I’m running out of time. I have been accepted to move into an apartment just south of downtown Salem. All things considered, I think it will be good. But I need to give the landlord some money soon.
However, money is in short, short supply. I didn’t receive my unemployment check this week. When I called to inquire about it, the woman told me that I hadn’t filled out the claim form correctly and a new one was being sent out. So at this point I’m hoping to get that check only 6 days late. Until I receive it, I have $0. Good times.
Transformers 3, dethroned!
Tonight I saw not only the worst movie I’ve seen this year, but probably the worst movie I’ve ever seen. As part of the 13 Days of Halloween and the Salem Film Festival, I went to go see The Oregonian. I’d love to provide a synopsis, but there really wasn’t a story. Or perhaps it’s up to the viewer to imagine what the story may have been.
I’ve seen some bad movies. Last year alone I saw several movies that were bad in various ways. Biutiful was so, SO depressing. Winter’s Bone was as bleak as they come. Dogtooth was pure, concentrated awful. And this year’s Transformers 3 was crap on a screen.
Think back to Evil Dead. Evil Dead was a pretty bad movie imo, but there were hints of good film making to come; it just felt like a student project (and maybe it was). But it did have a story; a beginning, middle, and end. You got the feeling that Sam Raimi was working out some ideas, but for a horror genre picture, it holds together.
This movie? Imagine Sam Raimi never went to film school and made a movie while high on a combination of acid and psychedelic mushrooms. Imagine further that he was extremely passive-aggressive and secretly wanted his movie to be a big F you! to anybody who unwisely went to see it. This movie is supposed to be a horror (I think), but none of it was coherent or made sense in any way whatsoever. It was just one disjointed scene after another. The only way I can think to explain it all is to imagine that it was like a series of thoughts/images that might go through a person’s mind at the instant of a traumatic death. At no point can I say with any confidence that what we were seeing was a bit of “reality” (the real world in the film that is) or if it was, beginning to end, in someone’s mind, or if it was just all an excuse to try out different camera angles, lighting setups, scene ideas, or makeup techniques on film.
I almost feel bad judging this movie. It is inconceivable that the writer/director intended for anyone to take the movie seriously. There’s no plot, no character development, no story! The movie ends, but I couldn’t tell you what happened or if any of the characters were real or imagined or what.
So, my advice. See this movie if you want the absolute low mark by which to compare every other movie you ever see. After this one, nothing will seem nearly as bad as it might have otherwise.
